Monday, 22 August 2016

Turning dyspraxic passion and anxiety into a purpose

Ever since I was little I've always been an emotionally sensitive soul, and a visibly emotional soul at that. I was always so self conscious about how deeply I felt when I could see everyone else just getting on with it and how passionate I was about the causes and the interests I liked.

Over the last few years I've been to many Dyspraxia Foundation conferences and what always stands out is the passion and empathy and it's been very refreshing for me to see. I had no idea growing up my reasons for being so sensitive, emotional or passionate had anything to do with being dyspraxic or having an anxiety disorder or low mood. I remember going into school and being visibly enthusiastic about the music, flapping my arms around in true un coordinated style, and using a very loud tone of voice about the music I loved and being teased, sniggered at and judged. It made me feel like I needed to retreat into my shell and not show it to all of the world and I hid it away only letting those I trusted in. Managing and expressing my emotions has been always something really difficult for me. 

  I recently met the lovely Phoebe meet her idol Dyspraxia Foundation patron Jamie Lambert  from Collabro at their event at their beautiful local church in Hitchin, seeing her emotion and passion reminded me of a younger version as me. Also seeing Jamie up on stage, filming his video for the appeal and on stage and the passion which he gave off in his performances was lovely to see. Like Pheobe I also have someone who I look up to Mollie King, to read more why she inspires me see an earlier blog the impact of music. She recently released her debut single  Back to you (links at the bottom of my blog) and I've been lucky enough to meet her recently as her launch week progressed into a radio tour.

On her single launch day she was talking about how she found the writing process of the single therapeutic of her own experiences and hoped people might be able to relate to her experiences. This is what I've always hoped for from these blogs if one person can relate to it all it's been worthwhile. I also have found blogging very therapeutic. She's also one of the most calming, reassuring people I've met in life, whenever I meet her my anxieties go, as she's taken the time to get to know Rosie and that empathy means a lot. She also showed a lot of empathy to the charity's appeal, which is very kind of her and means so much that people are willing to even just listen and find out more, and hopefully get the word out.


Being a passionate person doesn't mean that you're a really confident person, what you see isn't often what someone might be experiencing and it's important to look beyond face value. On the outside you can't tell how someones brain is hard wired and how they process the world and see it differently nor if they might  struggle with any mental health issues too.



 I've been able to talk and talk about things which I love, or get very involved in the causes I like or support on social media as that passion and empathy to help others and make a difference will always be there. But by nature I've always been shy and never been a socially confident person I can be my hardest enemy at times and beat myself up a lot when it comes to day to day socialising.
 I can go completely into myself in new and unpredictable situations, struggle with social anxiety  and making eye contact. I will go over conversations and events constantly and worry about what I might have done wrong or any mistakes I might have made.

I can be a perfectionist and if something isn't done right I get very anxious over making mistakes, getting things in a muddle, and being messy and clumsy and get very conscientious about trying to do a good job, even if dyspraxia makes it looks otherwise. It's made me stand out, be different to my peers be difficult to understand at times and misunderstood. But it has made me a lot more determined and something I'm awaiting support for so hopefully fingers crossed this will help me keep moving forward and be more socially confident.
For such a long time in my life I didn't think I had a purpose, bullying and a bad experience in a previous relationship (details not for the blog) left me feeling not good enough and that I didn't anything to offer this world. My emotions were all over the place, I was trying to manage them in self destructive ways and I saw no hope in this world.

 I lost who Rosie was but then at my lowest point I realised I didn't want others to go through what I had and then I realised I had to try and manage my anxiety and frustrations in a more positive way. This is very much an ongoing journey and I still struggle with bouts of bad anxiety and struggle managing my emotions. But I've realised my purpose in life is to help others, the responses I get from writing these blogs and through my awareness work will always mean so much to me and boost my confidence on days when I'm struggling and I've found swimming helps calm me down.

The social, emotional and  links with mental health side to dyspraxia is something which isn't discussed a lot, even though it really should be more as there is more awareness of the physical side. It's why I decided to get involved in the Dyspraxia Foundation Call to Action appeal and step out of my comfort zone and do a video it was a difficult task for me to even make eye contact  and my social anxiety wanted me to run a mile away and it took a good 20 takes. But this charity help people make sense of themselves, meet others who "get it" and help people feel lost and alone like the Rosie I talked about at the beginning of this blog.



But I hope it will help raise awareness, help the misunderstandings which surround dyspraxia and how it can also link with mental health and raise vital funds for a charity very struggling at the moment. Also help others understand that everyone is different, and sees life from a different perspective and makes sense of the world differently and manage emotions differently.  Just because someone processes the world differently doesn't mean that it is better, nor is it less it is simply different.

To check out Mollie King's debut single Back to You:
Available to Stream on Spotify http://po.st/BTY_52 Stream on Apple Music http://po.st/BTY39 Download on iTunes http://po.st/BTY5

Keep up-to-date on Social Media, please like my Facebook page for more dyspraxia awareness :)





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